nocturne in light

Saturday was an eventful day. For the first time in the last couple of years that I actually head over to Malaysia! Well, it wasn't much, just a one day bus tour to JB and back. Didn't even know that we didn't need to fill in the immigration cards to malaysia now. That's how long I haven't been there.

It was a one day trip organised by my church actually. It was more of a fruit-ful tour, literally. First we headed to some organic farm that grows vegetables and tons of dragon fruits. So that's the first fruit. Next, the highlight of the day was the durain plantation. And that was lunch. A free flow, unlimited and continuous servings of the king of all fruits as our lunch. Rambutans and mangosteens could be spotted as well. So that's the remaining fruits.

It was kind of interesting to see a big group of people tracking through the plantation to finally head off to some make shift area under a tree and canvas sheets to stand around and eat durain. I guess that made it all the more delicious.

After that was more or less shopping. Was quite disappointed with the shopping arrangements. We went to this humongous shopping mall, but was given a short 75mins -.- By the time we just barely explored the place, it was time to leave. So I ended up not buying anything when the sales was everywhere! How pissed I was. RAHHHH...

Then later we ended up some seaside kampung area to have a seafood dinner. It was filled with tour groups from Singapore and the food really wasn't that fantastic. I would rather have forgone it and just get those all so cheap and delicious sushi from Jusco and shop for another 2 hours at the shopping mall! Wells, the only perk was that I actually saw the Black Knights draw the heart in the sky all the way from JB. So going to tell them about it on Monday (",)

Oh did I mention it was perhaps the first time the Silly-Billys went on a trip together. It was really fun having them around and just spending the day together. It certainly made the trip all the more interesting and fun! Can't wait for the next time we could organise one big group to somewhere further! And oh! Ka* just got back together! Really looking forward to a trip with everybody sometime soon!

I know it has certainly been a very long break since I last blogged more than 2 months ago. I can say that many things have happened over the last few months, but I've just been yes yes... It'll go away... But maybe coz I've been quite tired and worn out so I get emo easily.

Well first things first. Office stuff. As some might have known I got the award. But somehow I don't feel it. No doubt it is a fantastic recognition, but I really ask myself recently if I deserve it. I still find so many things with me that I just think needs improvements. I feel at times I'm too individualistic. It just seems to me that I lack the team work. Let alone team excellence.

I don't know I should call it trust or I should just call it assume or just simply lazy on my part. Am I that lousy or ineffective leading a team? Was it me that set the standards too high? Or do I expect the same level of commitment I give from them? It simply does not make me feel good or reflect well on us when I here this and that. And at times I just keep quiet, not because I can't be bothered but just didn't want to add on to already what has been said.

Am I protecting them too much? Or did I simply didn't teach them enough? I may smile and laugh and yes admit it was me.. My mistake.. But how long can I do it for? Okie this is my point of view, not necessarily yours. Somehow, all these things make me feel undeserving of the award. What good is me looking good on the exterior but actually inferior in the interior.

I know you might say I'm speaking in circles. But there are just simply too much things going inside me. Replacement is never an option. It's not that work doesn't get done. But somehow the attitude and commitment is just wrong wrong wrong... Oh wells am I really helping them?